One Moment
She's beautiful in the way that haggard women are, with wrinkles carved by tears and an inexplicable spark that raises an eyebrow or colors a cheek. She works well in shadows and side-glances--the type that is uncommonly lovely when you're looking past her or thinking back to something she said: the tone in her laugh or the soft-spoken hint of her smile. Her gaze, straight away, is uncomfortable and ugly; it reminds you of every failure--both yours and hers--and hurries you into conversations about the weather, the wallpaper, the grave. When I stand across the room, hiding behind a drink or a lamp, I can watch her with wonder and pride. She is mine, this incredible creature; she is my mother, self-taught and witty, keeping the room in her grasp. And for a moment, I forget. For a moment, I am proud.
Last Month
"Hello baby," she says. "I think I'm cured!" I've taken the cowards way out, of late. Embarrassed for having given up and guilty for letting her go, I've spent more minutes on the phone than I have in her presence, satisfied that distance and forced self-reliance are closer to her needs.
"They say I'm doing great. I think I can even go off the mediciations, soon." The forced smile grinding against the receiver says it all--or more than I can manage, anyway.
"Mom--" I begin, with no intent to finish.
"I know, I know--isn't it great? And the books I've been reading--oh Bill, you should come and talk to me about books. I just read Beckett--finally read Beckett!" She pauses at my silence. "Do you still go to church?"
"Yes," I manage, clearing my throat.
"Oh." Another pause, this one unsure. "Have you read
Waiting for Godot?"
"Several times," I laugh. "I'm the one who gave it to you."
"That's right!" She laughs too, calmer now. "It's a riot."
"It is."
"But you still go to church?"
"Yes, mom."
"Good. That's good, baby." I hear seconds echo against my watch, which I've just turned to admire. "I'm doing really well," she adds, bracing herself.
"You can't go off your medication." Her sigh stings.
"But baby, I'm doing good."
"What do the doctors say?"
"Fuck 'em," she says, suddenly angry. "What do they ever say? Always the same thing."
"That's because they're right." I'm tired now--too tired to be angry but just tired enough to be dismissive. "We've had this conversation before. You can't go off your meds. There's a reason why you're doing so well, and it has nothing to do with Beckett."
"I hate you," she says clearly--the clearest words she's said in a while.
"I have to go now."
"I hate you."
"I know."
"Baby," she says before she hangs up, "why're you doing this to me?"
"It's for the best," I argue against that click. It's for the best.
Today
Today, for the first time in two years, my mother is leaving her living facility and venturing out into the real world--fully medicated, fully charged, and fully aware that it may be the last time she wanders 'free' for quite a while. She is excited. She is happy. She's been smiling and talking and acting like a woman ten years younger.
And I am terrified and ashamed--a child of thirteen in the middle of a crowded room, again, holding my breath and wishing the world would disappear.
I am not sure when I became so old; I suspect it's when I realized she was no longer young.
Journal coded and designed by =kjherstin © 2008
Devious Comments
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I love you everyday,
Joy
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I love you everyday,
Joy
musicluver26 said the following:
most people aren't sure of what they really want in life. I
received this
letter from a friend on the computer, did what it told me to, and
within a
week, everything I had wished came true!! Here's an exact copy,
this
really
works!!!!
*************************************************************
1. To yourself, say the name of the only
guy or girl you wanna be with 3
times!
*************************************************************
2. Think of something you wanna accomplish
within the next week and say it to your self
6
times!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
3. If you had 1 wish what would it be? say it to
yourself 9 times!!!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
4. Think of something that you want to happen
between you and that 1special person and say
it to your self 12
times!!!
1.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
5. Now, heres the hard part! Pick only 1 of these wishes and as
you scroll down focus and
concentrate on it and think on nothing
else but that wish.
* *
* *
* *
* *
* *
* *
* *
* *
* *
* *
*
*
* *
* *
* *
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* *
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* *
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* *
* *
* *
* *
* *
* *
* *
* *
* *
* *
* *
* *
* *
* *
* *
* *
Now make one last &final wish about that one wish
that you picked.
After reading this, you have 1 hour to send it out to 15 people,
and what
you wished for will come true within in one week!
u only get one chance!!!!! Now scroll down and think of your
crush!!!
Keep going
down
Keep going
Keep
going
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Did you think of your crush? I hope so, that was
your last chance. Now pay very close attention this important
message!
Sorry but once read, must be sent. Yes, this is one of those kinda
chain
letters that everyone hates. This one has been going since 1863
and
if you
break this chain, you will pay!!!!!! Remember that after hearing
these
stories.
First Example:
Take Barbra Wallace.. She was a pretty lucky girl,
up till she got this same chain letter. She had a crush on the same
kid
since kindergarden. when she got this mail she didn't pay any
attention to
it. She just thought, no big deal. And deleted it. The next day her
dad
got fired and her mom dies in a car crash. If she would have sent
the
letter none of that would have happened and her mom
would be alive.
Second Example:
Try Freddie D. Now Freddie D. was your average
nerd. Had glasses, was short and chubby, was in gifted. All the
signs of
your total dork. He also received this letter and sent it to 51
people in
the hour. Now, like Barbra, he had a crush on a girl since 3rd
grade. The
next day after sending the chain the girl confessed her love for
him ever
since 3rd grade. Freddie D. finally had the courage to ask her out,
and of
course, she had been waiting to yes to that for years. They grew
up
and
married each other to live happily forever.
Third Example:
Now if you couldn't relate to the others, this'll
get ya hooked. Listen to this. A kid named Jordan Johnson was just
1.
getting on AOL to check his mail. He was a quiet kid, not that
popular but
not a geek either. he was just normal. He saw he had mail from his
friend. It was this exact letter. Now Jordan Johnsen was a smart
kid and
he knew what could happen if he didnt pass it on. He simply pulled
a few
friends from his buddy list and sent it along. The next day,
about
that
same time, he got a phone call. It said he had won the lottery!
then his
dad came home and bought him a new bike! His mom bought him
Nintendo64 and
play station! His grandmother sent him a new computer, and his best
friend
gave him tickets to the concert he wanted to go to, Kid Rock and
Limp
Bizkit! Then he inherited a brand-new tv from his aunt! He was
goin' wild!
the next day his secret crush asked him out, and they have been
going out
ever since.
Now, you heard the stories. I know
which person i'd rather
be, but thats up to you. I wouldn't wanna end up like Barbra but
thats
only me. We all want what we cant have but now's ur chance to go
out with
that special somebody ur waiting for. Take it or leave it. If you
send
this to-
1 person- you will lose all luck in ur love
life.....forever!!!!!
10 people- your crush will say they like you as a
friend......ONLY!!!!!
15 people- your crush will say they like you
20 people- your crush will ask you out!
25 people- your crush will kiss you!!
30 people - Your crush
will have sex with you
35 people or more- All of the above!!
Don't blow it, it's ur chance to shine! Have
everything u wanted, and more! Now, complaining cus u dont have any
friends. Well theres an answer 4 everything. It's simple, just go
in a
chat room, pick some names and send away! but here's the
catch.....you only
Reply
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Don't forget who's taking you home, and in whose arms you're gonna be,
So darling, save the last dance for me. ♫
That really meant a lot to me. Made my day
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