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My Mother.

Journal Entry: Sun May 11, 2008, 9:59 AM

One Moment

She's beautiful in the way that haggard women are, with wrinkles carved by tears and an inexplicable spark that raises an eyebrow or colors a cheek. She works well in shadows and side-glances--the type that is uncommonly lovely when you're looking past her or thinking back to something she said: the tone in her laugh or the soft-spoken hint of her smile. Her gaze, straight away, is uncomfortable and ugly; it reminds you of every failure--both yours and hers--and hurries you into conversations about the weather, the wallpaper, the grave. When I stand across the room, hiding behind a drink or a lamp, I can watch her with wonder and pride. She is mine, this incredible creature; she is my mother, self-taught and witty, keeping the room in her grasp. And for a moment, I forget. For a moment, I am proud.


Last Month

"Hello baby," she says. "I think I'm cured!" I've taken the cowards way out, of late. Embarrassed for having given up and guilty for letting her go, I've spent more minutes on the phone than I have in her presence, satisfied that distance and forced self-reliance are closer to her needs.

"They say I'm doing great. I think I can even go off the mediciations, soon." The forced smile grinding against the receiver says it all--or more than I can manage, anyway.

"Mom--" I begin, with no intent to finish.

"I know, I know--isn't it great? And the books I've been reading--oh Bill, you should come and talk to me about books. I just read Beckett--finally read Beckett!" She pauses at my silence. "Do you still go to church?"

"Yes," I manage, clearing my throat.

"Oh." Another pause, this one unsure. "Have you read Waiting for Godot?"

"Several times," I laugh. "I'm the one who gave it to you."

"That's right!" She laughs too, calmer now. "It's a riot."

"It is."

"But you still go to church?"

"Yes, mom."

"Good. That's good, baby." I hear seconds echo against my watch, which I've just turned to admire. "I'm doing really well," she adds, bracing herself.

"You can't go off your medication." Her sigh stings.

"But baby, I'm doing good."

"What do the doctors say?"

"Fuck 'em," she says, suddenly angry. "What do they ever say? Always the same thing."

"That's because they're right." I'm tired now--too tired to be angry but just tired enough to be dismissive. "We've had this conversation before. You can't go off your meds. There's a reason why you're doing so well, and it has nothing to do with Beckett."

"I hate you," she says clearly--the clearest words she's said in a while.

"I have to go now."

"I hate you."

"I know."

"Baby," she says before she hangs up, "why're you doing this to me?"

"It's for the best," I argue against that click. It's for the best.


Today

Today, for the first time in two years, my mother is leaving her living facility and venturing out into the real world--fully medicated, fully charged, and fully aware that it may be the last time she wanders 'free' for quite a while. She is excited. She is happy. She's been smiling and talking and acting like a woman ten years younger.

And I am terrified and ashamed--a child of thirteen in the middle of a crowded room, again, holding my breath and wishing the world would disappear.

I am not sure when I became so old; I suspect it's when I realized she was no longer young.

Love





Journal coded and designed by =kjherstin © 2008



  • Mood: Adoration

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That should be deviant's up there.

Apart from an unusual preoccupation with punctuation, which helps tremendously in my profession, I happen to be one of the Literature Gallery Directors alongside ^lovetodeviate, ^StJoan, and ^LadyLincoln. I can feature Daily Deviations in both poetry and prose, as well as in the visual poetry gallery, and I welcome your suggestions.
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  • Current Residence: Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
  • Interests: Reading, Writing, Teaching, Football, Baseball, SciFi channel, News, Politics
  • Favourite genre of music: Classic rock, Classic punk, Rock, Indie
  • Favourite poet or writer: Robbe-Grillet, Baldwin, Borges, Capote, Camus, Donne, Nabokov, Wilde
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  • Personal Quote: A guilty conscience needs to confess. A work of art is a confession. (Albert Camus)

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!steveooo:iconsteveooo: 1 day 4 hours agoFlagged as spam
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Hey thanks for sharing! Your stuff Rocks!!

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~roleplay:iconroleplay: 1 day 12 hours ago
You are very welcome. Your writing is amazing , and praise was definitely required. <3

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=blissart:iconblissart: 2 days 16 hours ago
:iconrudeboyskunkplz::iconrudeboyskunkplz2::iconrudeboyskunkplz3:

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Accept no one's definition of your life; Define Yourself!
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!oguz825:iconoguz825: 3 days 1 hour agoFlagged as spam
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???? ??? ?? ??¢? dear :cuddle:

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Wow, Thanks for the watch! I wanted the chance to flip through your book more but sex Shop araç kiralama when I got back I couldn't find you! evden eve nakliyat Thankfully Matt let me look through the book he got from you.

Beautiful stuff! ankara nakliyat
=joyscola:iconjoyscola: 3 days 21 hours ago
You're ever so welcome. :)

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I love you everyday,
Joy
!jessie52:iconjessie52: 4 days 2 hours ago
Wow I really love your gallery! Thanks for sharing!!

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=kjherstin:iconkjherstin: 4 days 4 hours ago
Thank you for your support.

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@youthculture:iconyouthculture: 4 days 8 hours ago
i'm full of them.

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litNEWS: what's up in lit?
^GeneratingHype:iconGeneratingHype: 4 days 8 hours ago
:heart:

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Suggest a Lit DD today!
^GeneratingHype:iconGeneratingHype: 4 days 8 hours ago
Thank you kindly. :blush:

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^GeneratingHype:iconGeneratingHype: 4 days 8 hours ago
My pleasure. :)

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^GeneratingHype:iconGeneratingHype: 4 days 8 hours ago
lies.

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^GeneratingHype:iconGeneratingHype: 4 days 8 hours ago
Thanks, I think!

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^GeneratingHype:iconGeneratingHype: 4 days 8 hours ago
Aww, thank you very much!

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=joyscola:iconjoyscola: 6 days 33 minutes ago
Not that you need me to tell you this but you're quite the eloquent writer. :)

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Joy
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musicluver26 said the following:

most people aren't sure of what they really want in life. I



received this



letter from a friend on the computer, did what it told me to, and



within a



week, everything I had wished came true!! Here's an exact copy,



this

really



works!!!!











*************************************************************







1. To yourself, say the name of the only


guy or girl you wanna be with 3



times!











*************************************************************











2. Think of something you wanna accomplish



within the next week and say it to your self

6



times!!










~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~































3. If you had 1 wish what would it be? say it to



yourself 9 times!!!







-----------------------------------------------------------------------















4. Think of something that you want to happen



between you and that 1special person and say



it to your self 12

times!!!





1.











--------------------------------------------------------------------















5. Now, heres the hard part! Pick only 1 of these wishes and as



you scroll down focus and



concentrate on it and think on nothing



else but that wish.











* *


* *



* *



* *



* *



* *



* *



* *



* *



* *



*

*



* *



* *


* *



* *



* *



* *



* *



* *



* *



* *



* *



* *



* *


* *



* *



* *



* *



* *



* *



* *



* *



* *



* *



* *



* *






Now make one last &final wish about that one wish

that you picked.







After reading this, you have 1 hour to send it out to 15 people,



and what



you wished for will come true within in one week!







u only get one chance!!!!! Now scroll down and think of your



crush!!!

























































Keep going

down



























Keep going






































Keep

going







































!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!











Did you think of your crush? I hope so, that was



your last chance. Now pay very close attention this important



message!



Sorry but once read, must be sent. Yes, this is one of those kinda


chain



letters that everyone hates. This one has been going since 1863

and



if you



break this chain, you will pay!!!!!! Remember that after hearing



these



stories.







First Example:



Take Barbra Wallace.. She was a pretty lucky girl,



up till she got this same chain letter. She had a crush on the same



kid


since kindergarden. when she got this mail she didn't pay any



attention to



it. She just thought, no big deal. And deleted it. The next day her



dad



got fired and her mom dies in a car crash. If she would have sent



the



letter none of that would have happened and her mom

would be alive.







Second Example:



Try Freddie D. Now Freddie D. was your average



nerd. Had glasses, was short and chubby, was in gifted. All the


signs of



your total dork. He also received this letter and sent it to 51



people in



the hour. Now, like Barbra, he had a crush on a girl since 3rd



grade. The



next day after sending the chain the girl confessed her love for



him ever



since 3rd grade. Freddie D. finally had the courage to ask her out,



and of



course, she had been waiting to yes to that for years. They grew

up



and



married each other to live happily forever.






Third Example:



Now if you couldn't relate to the others, this'll



get ya hooked. Listen to this. A kid named Jordan Johnson was just


1.
getting on AOL to check his mail. He was a quiet kid, not that



popular but



not a geek either. he was just normal. He saw he had mail from his



friend. It was this exact letter. Now Jordan Johnsen was a smart



kid and



he knew what could happen if he didnt pass it on. He simply pulled



a few


friends from his buddy list and sent it along. The next day,

about



that



same time, he got a phone call. It said he had won the lottery!



then his



dad came home and bought him a new bike! His mom bought him



Nintendo64 and



play station! His grandmother sent him a new computer, and his best



friend



gave him tickets to the concert he wanted to go to, Kid Rock and



Limp



Bizkit! Then he inherited a brand-new tv from his aunt! He was



goin' wild!


the next day his secret crush asked him out, and they have been



going out



ever since.







Now, you heard the stories. I know

which person i'd rather



be, but thats up to you. I wouldn't wanna end up like Barbra but



thats



only me. We all want what we cant have but now's ur chance to go



out with



that special somebody ur waiting for. Take it or leave it. If you



send


this to-



1 person- you will lose all luck in ur love



life.....forever!!!!!



10 people- your crush will say they like you as a



friend......ONLY!!!!!



15 people- your crush will say they like you



20 people- your crush will ask you out!



25 people- your crush will kiss you!!



30 people - Your crush

will have sex with you



35 people or more- All of the above!!



Don't blow it, it's ur chance to shine! Have


everything u wanted, and more! Now, complaining cus u dont have any



friends. Well theres an answer 4 everything. It's simple, just go



in a



chat room, pick some names and send away! but here's the



catch.....you only
Reply
=illuminara:iconilluminara: May 7, 2008, 5:57:49 PM
Thanks so much for giving my news article some love! :iconnewglomp:

--
"There's no such thing as writer's block. That was invented by people in California who couldn't write."
- Terry Pratchett
--
Honorary phantom commenter and greeter for *simplyprose.
*b1gfan:iconb1gfan: May 6, 2008, 8:53:48 PM
"I Love Flu" is very interesting...
=KalbaxEcnailla:iconKalbaxEcnailla: May 4, 2008, 4:17:49 PM
I miss you too. ):

--
Y fyn Duw a Fydd
L'homme est né libre, mais partout il est dans les fers
Qui custodiet ipsos custodes?
[The only path to HEAVEN is via HELL]

Nemo me impune lacessit
Amor numquam morit
@youthculture:iconyouthculture: May 1, 2008, 10:46:53 AM
I SEE YOU

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litNEWS: what's up in lit?
=EuroFoxx:iconEuroFoxx: Apr 30, 2008, 7:18:22 PM
Thank you so very much for featuring ~Toph-Luvs-Zuko's short story, I'm glad such an incredibly well written story got the recognition it deserves. Still can't believe she's just turning 16!!

--
Don't forget who's taking you home, and in whose arms you're gonna be,
So darling, save the last dance for me. ♫
~Toph-Luvs-Zuko:iconToph-Luvs-Zuko: Apr 30, 2008, 6:47:17 PM
I want to thank you for getting my story 'What Life We Had: SweetChile' featured: [link]

That really meant a lot to me. Made my day :D

--
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~roleplay:iconroleplay: Apr 30, 2008, 11:31:59 AM Mood: Wow!
Holy cow. You are such a talented writer.

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